Fantasy Battle Contest: Voting The Winner!

[LilHinataGirl]

Originally Posted by Maikeru D. Shinigami

LilHinataGirl: You have an interesting story, I will say that now. However, the way you present the story makes it sort of confusing. Not because of the story itself but the way you structure your sentences and paragraphs. There were times were I had to reread to figure out what was happening to who, who was doing what or who was saying what. I understood it in the end, but it could be improved. One thing I would recommend is to separate your paragraphs so that only one person says something in each paragraph. I would also recommend that when you have more than two people in a scene that you call them by their names instead of 'he' or 'she'. You didn't really get enough time to have the characters sink home for me, but it could be an interesting story and I like the set up for the next chapter.

Thanks man Ill take your advice I know I'm good but I'm not that good where I can compare to talented authors I read a lot... Instead of just sitting there you expressed what you felt on my story and I like that so I think I will practice more. (:

[Maikeru D. Shinigami]

No problem.

trouble: You have some similar flaws that the first two had. Your sentence structure was a bit off, making it a little difficult to understand who was saying what and what was going on. Like with LHG's story though, I was able to understand it. I liked the rivalry you set up between you and Jaffle as well as the fact that you actually made your enemy kind of powerful. On the downside, your story suffers too much from Pokemonitis. I like that you made a Pokemon fanfic, but I would have liked to see you really put your own spin on it. I felt like I was reading Ash going on one of his normal journeys with a different name.

[Cloukora]

Originally Posted by Maikeru D. Shinigami

Cloukora: The battle itself was good, but other parts of your story irked me. There were a couple spots where you used run on sentences or mixed up past and present tense. The final battle, while interesting, was sort of anti-climatic. The idea of fighting those four was interesting, but they all seemed to be defeated too easily. I was however interested that you let Sakairith get the final kill. One thing I want to ask though, what was the plot? I know there were zombies and trying to take over the Earth, but it still felt like it could have used more.

Yeah, I kinda rushed it like most people here lol. I imagined the fights much more intense and fast paced, but it was just hard to put into actual writing, I'm not that good yet. I should have been more clear on the plot line, but it was basically the four enemies trying to take over the world (Superhero cliche FTW!) and Cloukora and Sakairith trying to stop them. If I could include more characters I think the plot could have been better. But that's no excuse to write a sucky plot lol.

I read through the other stories, and I enjoyed reading all of them. I couldn't finish joon's because it was too long xD

Trouble: I liked the story and I honestly was surprised at how well it was written, you write the opposite when you're chatting. There were a few grammar mistakes here and there, but I think how good the story was written triumphs that. But of course that doesn't mean to not fix them! I thought the end was weird how she left Kyurem behind like that to find more powerful pokemon, cause it took 4 of her own to defeat it. I also thought it was interesting how you made the main character lose in the battle with Jaffle, that doesn't happen most of the time.

joon: Dude, your story is really interesting, but I'm sorry it's kinda hard to understand. I get who's talking somewhat, but having an "I" perspective for one character then switching to another character makes it hard to follow. If I have time, I'll continue reading, but from what I read so far, that seems like the biggest issue.

pokeruto: I loved it. That's all I have to say on it. You created a whole new world and I love stories like that.

[Maikeru D. Shinigami]

At least you can understand where I was coming from them. It just seems weird to see those four badass villains defeated so easily.


Right now, I'm leaning toward LHG's story because its originality, but I have to read pokeruto's still.

[mrsticky005]

what is the due date for voting?

[LilHinataGirl]

Yeah I am curious when the due date for the voting

[Maruko]

I really like Clou's. He gets my vote.
I actually thought about posting a short story I wrote, but you wouldn't understand it because it's in Serbian, and I can't speak English very well to translate it. :/

[Naruto321]

Originally Posted by mrsticky005

what is the due date for voting?

Originally Posted by LilHinataGirl

Yeah I am curious when the due date for the voting

Well the poll started on October 14th. So it will end on November 14th

[LilHinataGirl]

Ahhh that's awesome! Good luck to my competitors~! ...

Btw to people who liked the first part on my story I have actually started part 2 and will be posting it soon so please be patient (;

[pokeruto]

Originally Posted by Cloukora

pokeruto: I loved it. That's all I have to say on it. You created a whole new world and I love stories like that.

Thanks Clou, I appreciate it !

So there's still a little less than a month left. I love that there's a lot of time for people to check out the contest and read all the stories.....but this wait is making me so impatient!

Must. Just. Stop. Thinking about it.

And I'll be sure to read that part 2, LHG.

[LilHinataGirl]

Thanks poke
Ima do a seperate thread and post my whole story on it (well book one anyway)

[gaara lover 24]

umm..guys where can i read ur stories???i wanna read everyonez..

[Naruto321]

Originally Posted by gaara lover 24

umm..guys where can i read ur stories???i wanna read everyonez..

http://naruto.viz.com/forum/showpost...22&postcount=1

[LilHinataGirl]

What he said lol xD^

[LilHinataGirl]

It feels like this need to be brought back to life
Just a sayin lol

[trouble88]

no no please none need see my bad story hinata

[LilHinataGirl]

Your story isn't bad :3

[Maikeru D. Shinigami]

pokeruto: Finally read your story. It was pretty interesting, one thing I will say though is that the plot was kind of cliche. The whole thing with good and evil and the main characters basically all focused on peace and protecting friends. It was nice to see characters personalities differ and they were pretty good. I just would have liked their resolve to be more than just looking for peace. It was good, but the ending was kind of either anti-climatic or a cliffhanger. In which case, I can't give you my full opinion without the final chapter. If that was the end though, then I feel the ending messes up the story. One more thing I will say is that the way you wrote was kind of bunched up which left me confused and needing to reread in a couple spots.



Anyways, I have to go with LilHinataGirl because I felt she had the most original writing. She kept the story interesting and gave some cool characters. I'd actually like to read further with hers. Actually, I'd like to see more of trouble's too, even if it wasn't very original.

[pokeruto]

Originally Posted by Maikeru D. Shinigami

pokeruto: Finally read your story. It was pretty interesting, one thing I will say though is that the plot was kind of cliche. The whole thing with good and evil and the main characters basically all focused on peace and protecting friends. It was nice to see characters personalities differ and they were pretty good. I just would have liked their resolve to be more than just looking for peace. It was good, but the ending was kind of either anti-climatic or a cliffhanger. In which case, I can't give you my full opinion without the final chapter. If that was the end though, then I feel the ending messes up the story. One more thing I will say is that the way you wrote was kind of bunched up which left me confused and needing to reread in a couple spots.



Anyways, I have to go with LilHinataGirl because I felt she had the most original writing. She kept the story interesting and gave some cool characters. I'd actually like to read further with hers. Actually, I'd like to see more of trouble's too, even if it wasn't very original.

Thank you very much for your opinion!
I really appreciate that you took time to read my story and even give this feedback.

Yes, the criticism that I feared the most was that the plot would be too cliche. But did you say that the characters were good? Or were they cliche?
And what about the concept (i.e. Soul Drive, Soul War, Anzunder, etc.). Did you find that original?

As for the ending, I agree. I read the story again a couple of days ago, and I stopped the story at a bad place. It is actually supposed to go on longer, but I thought that would be the best place to stop it to make a good length for the contest, but I guess I just rushed to submit. I think I should have made at leas a paragraph that ties things up.....
If I made a story with the same characters and the same concept but with a more complex and original plot as well as a better (real) ending, then would it be much better, or should I just scrap this idea?

It's just that this story is the preliminary version of some story boards I created. The current version of the story it the story I submitted, but with more characters, character development, plot twists,and chapters, and I just want to make it the best story (manga) that I can make.
Thanks

[Cloukora]

When it introduced the bad guy I'm just like no, don't do it! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! NO! NOOOO! The good guy part surprised me, I had thought about if he was really a bad guy as well, but I didn't even think about how he would bring peace about. I probably confused you, I just don't to reveal much for the other readers xD
An idea though: When the bad guy is "discovered" don't have him just admit to being a bad guy, have him try to confuse the other characters. The classic "Who is the real bad guy" because that IS a tough decision to make when you don't know who's telling the truth. Just my thought. You don't have to follow it.