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Omniverse Anything goes in this forum. Any multiverse, any singleverse, any fight. Just know in advance that Kakashi can't beat Superman.

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Old 03-10-2012, 04:56 PM   #1
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Lightbulb You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bear

Situation:

Arctic ice shelf. You've just clobbered the two cubs thinking they were malicious Laplander Trolls in miniature. She-bear is full-grown and all muscle. Not only have you robbed her of her young, but the only seal for 1,000 cu. mi. was chased off by the screams of the brutalized. A mote of hunger lust doth sparkle in her eye.

You are a quarter mile apart, your ship is on exploratory for the moment, three miles away. You are wearing standard tourist polar garb, heavy and bright. Bear is immaculate white but for nose (even though fur is clear, mind you).

A blizzard will set in within 4 minutes.
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Old 03-10-2012, 10:39 PM   #2
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Running at full speed (which she has every reason to do so) the polar bear will reach you in under a minute and proceed to rip you apart. I don't think the mallet or hammer will do any good.
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Old 03-10-2012, 10:43 PM   #3
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

dead
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Old 03-10-2012, 11:30 PM   #4
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Lol I don't stand a chance
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Old 03-10-2012, 11:33 PM   #5
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

I could win this fight with my bare hands, one of which would be tied behind my back along with one of my legs.
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Old 03-10-2012, 11:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Wonderful, wonderful! But the readers/lurkers want the morbid details.
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Old 03-11-2012, 12:16 AM   #7
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

I would commit sepukku for the crimes against cute bears I have commited. The she-bear eats my remains with a side of fava beans
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Old 03-11-2012, 12:56 AM   #8
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

What is a she-bear?!!
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Old 03-11-2012, 04:29 PM   #9
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultimate combatant View Post
What is a she-bear?!!
A mother bear.
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Old 03-11-2012, 08:59 PM   #10
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Run close to the simmering shores as possible. Use the mallet handle as a pick and start hammering away into that ice. Hopefully, that will dislodge you in time to float away.

Although, cold may be a problem, the incoming blizzard should produce a nice wind. A jacket should make a nice sail, to keep you ahead of an incoming aquatic bear. Perhaps you will luck out and the bear will find nice halibut to chew on and give up before the storm fully commences.
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Old 03-11-2012, 09:08 PM   #11
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Bear its head kicked in.
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Old 03-13-2012, 06:58 PM   #12
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

You get one and only one very very short window to smash a good dent in her skull which may only disorient her if it does anything

And that is the split second before she tears your throat out
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Old 03-14-2012, 05:45 AM   #13
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wooster View Post
Run close to the simmering shores as possible. Use the mallet handle as a pick and start hammering away into that ice. Hopefully, that will dislodge you in time to float away.

Although, cold may be a problem, the incoming blizzard should produce a nice wind. A jacket should make a nice sail, to keep you ahead of an incoming aquatic bear. Perhaps you will luck out and the bear will find nice halibut to chew on and give up before the storm fully commences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shinigan no sora View Post
You get one and only one very very short window to smash a good dent in her skull which may only disorient her if it does anything

And that is the split second before she tears your throat out
Situational update:

Combine your two options.

Bear is temporarily stalled; you have a 15-minute head start. Bear ploughs into the sea, and pursues with haste and vehemence.
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Old 03-14-2012, 01:42 PM   #14
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

I'd throw the mallet to try and distract the bear while I run for it. I'd probably get killed, though.
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:33 PM   #15
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Default Re: You with a short-hafted mallet and ballpeen hammer Vs. half-starved Polar She-bea

If she hasn't started charging yet, I'd raise my arms up high to appear bigger, start to talk very low and slowly back up. If she does try to charge, I'd get my mallet ready for impact and bash her in the eye and shove it down her throat!

And then probably die.
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