As The Shadows Creep.

Shadows Of Night · 08-07-2010, 02:20 PM

Shadows crept across the courtyard, the moon high in the sky. The castle looming over the tall, finely trimmed trees. "Vatie, where is he?" A tall man asked. "As of now, he should be protecting Shai and his sister." A short man replied. "The tall man grumbled, and let out an inaudible sigh. "Lord Vant.....What is the matter?" the man asked. Vant shook his head, and went on towards the castle. He held up his hand, a black bird flying towards the entrance. "Break it. Burn the castle down!" He shouted, a snake smile spreading across his lips. "L-Lord Vant!" A tall blonde man shouted, jumping from a window. "Warn me before doing that!" He said. "The two.....chosen....they should come soon." Vant chuckled, as the castle began to burn.

I'm not a very good writer but, I thought it came out.....okay.

Shikamaru Nara · 08-07-2010, 06:50 PM

I actually do think you are a quite gifted writer, only problem is - this has to be longer. I hope in the continuation of the story, you lengthen the chapters because a slow paced story is a good way to get people bored. Just make it longer, and you should be good to go.

Shadows Of Night · 08-07-2010, 06:55 PM

Haha, thanks. I'll make sure I'll make it longer next time. I'm working on chapter two.

Shikamaru Nara · 08-07-2010, 06:58 PM

I'm looking forward to it. The only reason that I mentioned it was because I couldn't really capture what the story was about quite yet. That's the only problem with this. You could always make this the prolouge and the next chapter could be chapter one. Prolouges are always shorter than a regular chapter, and it almost sounds like it would be a better prolouge than chapter. But I'll be sure to tune into the next chapter. Just pm it to me when it's done. Also, I suggest making it weekly chapters that way you don't have too much work on your hands, but not too little. It keeps a balanced story, and it's good for cliffhangers which keeps readers in tune, so remember to always end in a cliffhanger!

Shadows Of Night · 08-07-2010, 07:01 PM

Thanks. I looked at it and your right....thanks, you're a big help. I guess I'll work on chapter one as soon as I can.

Shikamaru Nara · 08-07-2010, 07:02 PM

Also, you can take it out of the spoilers, it's not that big, and it looks like there's nothing on the page. xD

Shadows Of Night · 08-07-2010, 07:03 PM

XD Alright I'll do that too.

Shadows Of Night · 08-07-2010, 07:33 PM

Chapter one

The night was young as Ayama, and Kurai, two found females, walked down a dirt trail. "When are will we be there??" Ayama asked, her sharp red eyes peering into the trees. Kurai just sighed and shrugged. "Well you're no help." Ayama snapped. "S-sorry" Kurai said, the timid girl looking down at her feet. Ayama rolled her eyes, as she looked up, noticing a ruined castle in the distance. She nudged the other girl, and pointed to it. Kurai looked up, and gasped. "T-the castle! S-Shai!!" She shouted. Ayama covered her mouth and shushed her, looking into the trees. Then a girl with long dark hair and dark skin jumped down in front of them, smiling. "You two are so careful when ever I'm not around." She said, laughing. "Kai!" Ayama growled, smacking her arm. "Ow! What was that for??" She asked, still laughing. "Just shut up! We need to get to the castle!" Ayama growled, pulling the two girls. "Hold it." Vatie said, appearing behind them. "Who the hell are you?!" Ayama asked. Vatie bowed "My name is Vatie." He said. He glanced at Kurai and smirked. "That girl over there, she's coming with me." He said, a portal opening behind the girl. Kurai gasped as he walked over, shoving her in. "What the?! Where did she go?!" Ayama demanded. Vatie smirked and laughed. "The Realm of Twili" He said.

Shadows Of Night · 08-07-2010, 10:36 PM

*Looks at it* Hmm could of done better.

Shikamaru Nara · 08-08-2010, 08:56 AM

The line "When are will we be there??" made no sense at all. You may want to revise it. Before you post each chapter, be sure to recheck your work. Also, you still haven't really gotten in what the story is about either, so just keep what you're doing up. Other than that, it's a huge improvement from the last one. You might also want to consider doing character profiles.

Shadows Of Night · 08-08-2010, 03:55 PM

Ah, okay. Well, I'm wroking on the profiles at the moment.

Shadows Of Night · 08-12-2010, 03:21 PM

Almost done with character profiles. I shall post them soon.

08-07-2010, 02:20 PM	#1
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	As The Shadows Creep. Shadows crept across the courtyard, the moon high in the sky. The castle looming over the tall, finely trimmed trees. "Vatie, where is he?" A tall man asked. "As of now, he should be protecting Shai and his sister." A short man replied. "The tall man grumbled, and let out an inaudible sigh. "Lord Vant.....What is the matter?" the man asked. Vant shook his head, and went on towards the castle. He held up his hand, a black bird flying towards the entrance. "Break it. Burn the castle down!" He shouted, a snake smile spreading across his lips. "L-Lord Vant!" A tall blonde man shouted, jumping from a window. "Warn me before doing that!" He said. "The two.....chosen....they should come soon." Vant chuckled, as the castle began to burn. I'm not a very good writer but, I thought it came out.....okay. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I Last edited by Shadows Of Night; 08-07-2010 at 07:03 PM.

08-07-2010, 06:50 PM	#2
Shikamaru Nara Super \| ɹoʇɐɹǝpoW Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: New York Posts: 43,777 Rep Power: 41 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1 Total Points: 4	Re: As The Shadows Creep. I actually do think you are a quite gifted writer, only problem is - this has to be longer. I hope in the continuation of the story, you lengthen the chapters because a slow paced story is a good way to get people bored. Just make it longer, and you should be good to go. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

08-07-2010, 06:55 PM	#3
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Haha, thanks. I'll make sure I'll make it longer next time. I'm working on chapter two. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

08-07-2010, 06:58 PM	#4
Shikamaru Nara Super \| ɹoʇɐɹǝpoW Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: New York Posts: 43,777 Rep Power: 41 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1 Total Points: 4	Re: As The Shadows Creep. I'm looking forward to it. The only reason that I mentioned it was because I couldn't really capture what the story was about quite yet. That's the only problem with this. You could always make this the prolouge and the next chapter could be chapter one. Prolouges are always shorter than a regular chapter, and it almost sounds like it would be a better prolouge than chapter. But I'll be sure to tune into the next chapter. Just pm it to me when it's done. Also, I suggest making it weekly chapters that way you don't have too much work on your hands, but not too little. It keeps a balanced story, and it's good for cliffhangers which keeps readers in tune, so remember to always end in a cliffhanger! __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

08-07-2010, 07:01 PM	#5
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Thanks. I looked at it and your right....thanks, you're a big help. I guess I'll work on chapter one as soon as I can. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

08-07-2010, 07:02 PM	#6
Shikamaru Nara Super \| ɹoʇɐɹǝpoW Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: New York Posts: 43,777 Rep Power: 41 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1 Total Points: 4	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Also, you can take it out of the spoilers, it's not that big, and it looks like there's nothing on the page. xD __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

08-07-2010, 07:03 PM	#7
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. XD Alright I'll do that too. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

08-07-2010, 07:33 PM	#8
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Chapter one The night was young as Ayama, and Kurai, two found females, walked down a dirt trail. "When are will we be there??" Ayama asked, her sharp red eyes peering into the trees. Kurai just sighed and shrugged. "Well you're no help." Ayama snapped. "S-sorry" Kurai said, the timid girl looking down at her feet. Ayama rolled her eyes, as she looked up, noticing a ruined castle in the distance. She nudged the other girl, and pointed to it. Kurai looked up, and gasped. "T-the castle! S-Shai!!" She shouted. Ayama covered her mouth and shushed her, looking into the trees. Then a girl with long dark hair and dark skin jumped down in front of them, smiling. "You two are so careful when ever I'm not around." She said, laughing. "Kai!" Ayama growled, smacking her arm. "Ow! What was that for??" She asked, still laughing. "Just shut up! We need to get to the castle!" Ayama growled, pulling the two girls. "Hold it." Vatie said, appearing behind them. "Who the hell are you?!" Ayama asked. Vatie bowed "My name is Vatie." He said. He glanced at Kurai and smirked. "That girl over there, she's coming with me." He said, a portal opening behind the girl. Kurai gasped as he walked over, shoving her in. "What the?! Where did she go?!" Ayama demanded. Vatie smirked and laughed. "The Realm of Twili" He said. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

08-07-2010, 10:36 PM	#9
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Looks at it Hmm could of done better. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

08-08-2010, 08:56 AM	#10
Shikamaru Nara Super \| ɹoʇɐɹǝpoW Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: New York Posts: 43,777 Rep Power: 41 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1 Total Points: 4	Re: As The Shadows Creep. The line "When are will we be there??" made no sense at all. You may want to revise it. Before you post each chapter, be sure to recheck your work. Also, you still haven't really gotten in what the story is about either, so just keep what you're doing up. Other than that, it's a huge improvement from the last one. You might also want to consider doing character profiles. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

08-08-2010, 03:55 PM	#11
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Ah, okay. Well, I'm wroking on the profiles at the moment. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

08-12-2010, 03:21 PM	#12
Shadows Of Night Apprentice Genin Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: I am the shadows of the night Posts: 101 Rep Power: 0	Re: As The Shadows Creep. Almost done with character profiles. I shall post them soon. __________________ Sadists FTW. You can't escape us shadows. We are EVERYWHERE. Zanpakto-Dragon De Heilo I'm the shadow that stays by yourside, that loves you more than anyone<3 My name is Shai, and I'm the supernoob! S H A I

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