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Old 06-25-2010, 10:39 AM   #1
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Default Planet Nerron

Story takes a little time to develope but please give it a chance.

Supernatural humans from a planet called Nerron wish to take revenge on Earth, after an Earthling captures one of them... Soon they are all captured and are harnessed in underground Japan...

What's happening now in the story

Spoiler:
Maranon's mission to excape the prison fails, and the Nerrons are placed underground in Tokyo.


Chapters are short...

1: The Second Mission
2: Announcement
3: Earth Review
4: Government Actions
5: Breath Bomb
6: And That Makes a Total of 3
7: Fighting Back with the 1st
8: Bloodshed
9: Spill the Intention
10: Facility Additions
11: You Will Save Us
12: We Will Not Go to School
13: Get On the Bus
14:
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:19 AM   #2
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Default Re: Nerron

It's a good premise, how you write it and set it up will be what really determines if it's good or not. You should give it a try anyway, I'm sure it would be interesting.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:11 AM   #3
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Default Re: Nerron

Chapter 1: The second mission

Spoiler:

"All set. Are we ready, captain?" A man in an spacesuit asked.

A tall grumpy man waltzed into the room. "Air tanks?"

"Check."

"Net?"

"Check."

"Dignity?"

"Check."

"I guess it's alright, then." The captain started and sighed. "This time, capture every one you see. The last time they were only able to find one; these beings are powerful. Your training better have paid off... After all, you are the senior. Start up the rockets."
The man in the spacesuit (named Masashi) messed around with some buttons here, pulled some levers there, and fastened his seat belt.
"5, 4, 3..." The captain began...
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm not in simulation training anymore," Masashi winked.
The captain winked back and stepped out of the rocket. "Good luck."

2 weeks later...

Craaaaack...

"Wow, I haven't stood up in ages," Masashi told himself, rubbing his back. "I don't need my spacesuit anymore... This place has proper oxygen... Now let's see what we have here... I'm sure I put my communicator here somewhere." After a bit of struggle, Masashi found his communicator; it's what you would call a top-notch cell phone.

"Captain? Are you there?" Masashi said, turning on his phone. You would be surprised about how high tech the phone was since calling from planet to planet was no ordinary feat.

"Eh... What? For God's sake, Masashi, it's 1:00 in the morning..." The grumpy captain replied, hitting his head on a lamp.

"Sorry I didn't wake up in my house..."

"Eh..." The captain groaned. "Status report?"

Masashi started, "Well, I just got here and I'm still cracking my arms, legs, back..."

"Everything went well then?" He asked.

"Of course, sir. I have the net cannon..." Masashi replied.

"So if you need me, you know how to reach me..." The captain turned off the phone, and Masashi heard static on his end.

This planet looks just like Earth, Masashi thought. Wow, this is it... This is planet 4R7-GLT... I can't believe it. I better load up the net cannon... I think I see alien beings... Masashi took a banister and stuck it in his end of the cannon. He heard noise coming at 5 o' clock! His first alien. He rolled as if he were in an action movie and shot it. Success!

Masashi decided to check out his catch a few steps took him to his destination. An arm shot out and the alien broke out of the net. The being picked Masashi up by the throat. "Gck... Let go... Beast..."

"Mind your own business and head back to earth. You took one of us last time, remember? Isn't that enough?" It spoke in Masashi's language.

"That... Was... N't... Me..." Masashi was losing air.

"Oh, but you are all the same." It's grip was tightening on Masashi's throat.

Masashi reached for his communicator. "C-captain..." He dropped it.

"Die, Earthling." Electricity shot up the alien's arm and into Masashi.

"My, how I love the sound of crackling lightning," The Nerron grinned.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:16 AM   #4
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Default Re: Nerron

I know it starts off shaky, but please give it a chance.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:53 AM   #5
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Default Re: Nerron

Sounds good so far.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:54 AM   #6
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Default Re: Nerron

Can you give me critism on what I'm doing wrong so far? I know I'm doing something...
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:58 AM   #7
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Default Re: Nerron

Your probably not doing anything, it's just not many people are in the fan-fic section right now or something, not many fan-fics are sucsessfull if you stop writeing since no one is reading, eventually some people will notice it and begin to read.
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:01 AM   #8
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Default Re: Nerron

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherryflower View Post
Your probably not doing anything, it's just not many people are in the fan-fic section right now or something, not many fan-fics are sucsessfull if you stop writeing since no one is reading, eventually some people will notice it and begin to read.
Well it's not that I just want to make my writing better... But I'm logging off now anyways so...
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:02 AM   #9
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Default Re: Nerron

Quote:
Originally Posted by Invisible Fog View Post
Can you give me critism on what I'm doing wrong so far? I know I'm doing something...

Personal opinion here but I prefer detail and not just people talking back and fourth. I like being able to picture their expressions, how they are saying things, the motions. The environment (unless it's left out for specific reasons). Just more detail overall.

Guess it depends on what kind of form you are going for though if it's novel like it'd need more detail, if this is just something you are doing in free-format then it's of no concern.
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:09 AM   #10
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Default Re: Nerron

I like the beginning and the idea is definetely good.

But try to write with all senses and describe emotions. Allow the reader to not only see the scene but feel it. The atmosphere, the emotions, the smell, the sound, the taste... Just try to elaborate a little, and you'll be fine.
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I ish a writer. :3
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...icle?

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I hate you, I was eating an apple, and now I'm coughing because it went down the wrong pipe. Go to hell you selfish bastard.

Falling head-first,
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Crashing through clouds,
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with nobody near.
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:51 AM   #11
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Default Re: Nerron

Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Invisible Fog View Post
Chapter 1: The second mission

"All set. Are we ready, captain?" A man in an astronaut suit asked.


"I guess it's alright, then." The captain started and sighed. "This time, capture every one you see. The last time they only were able to find one; these beings are powerful. Your training better have paid off... After all, you are the senior. Start up the rockets."
The man in the astronaut suit (named Masashi) messed around with some buttons here, pulled some levers there, and fastened his seatbelt.
"5, 4, 3..." The captain began...
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm not in simulation training anymore," Masashi winked.
The captain winked back and stepped out of the rocket. "Good luck."

2 weeks later...

Craaaaack...

"Wow, I haven't stood up in ages," Masashi told himself, rubbing his back. "I don't need my astronaut suit anymore... This place has proper oxygen... Now let's see what we have here... I'm sure I put my communicator here somewhere." After a bit of struggle, Masashi found his communicator; it's what you would call a top-notch cell phone.
couple things grammatically speaking, you might want to call it a spacesuit, not an astronauts suit as spacesuit is the actual term used by NASA and other space programs. Everyone is one word so you can take out the space. Change the next red line to : "they were only able to." Seat belt is actually two words, split it up or hyphenate it.

Otherwise the feedback from the other users was what I would have said too. Just work at elaborating more, work on your description more.
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:52 AM   #12
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Default Re: Nerron

I like it! Just some spelling errors.
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Old 06-28-2010, 10:16 AM   #13
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Default Re: Nerron

Glad to see I get some critique... I'll try to update you with Chapter 2 today if not tomorrow, I'm at my grandparents house so...
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Old 06-28-2010, 10:40 AM   #14
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Default Re: Nerron

I know the chapters are kind of short but as the story goes on I will lengthen them

You also might have noticed I have put in a little more detail but I am still a novice writer so please cut some slack.

Chapter 2: Announcement

Spoiler:


"Gather around, people of Nerron. It is time for an important announcement."

The prince of Nerron (named Keser) rised up on the Great Vines; a big cube of overgrowth. Surrounding it was the forest with trees twice as big as the Earthling Redwood.

"Teklen, please tell us what happened," Keser boomed. His voice was deep and it scared the wits out of small Nerrons, and that was only his normal voice.

You may recognize Teklen, the one who took revenge for the Nerrons by killing Masashi. "You do remember the tragedy that happened 30 years ago when they took one of us... A mere child, in fact." Teklen announced. "I found an Earthling trying to capture more of us, and I avenged us." He explained proudly. "After years and years of training we are able to overpower Earthlings to the point of complete extinction, and the ability to move as supersonic speeds help as well. Earthlings will no longer overpower us. They are scared to death. It is only a matter of time until they try the act again, but until then..." Teklen drew a large breath. "We train."

"Thank you, Teklen," Keser said. "However, in my opinion I must say that we must overpower them now before they use cheap weaponary. Ideas?"

Silence. The crickets chirped.

"Very well. The council will talk it over-" Keser began.

A young Nerron named Hikaru, with short black hair, said, "Why don't we go to Earth?"

Every Nerron on the planet turned to Hikaru, wide eyed in horror.

"Are you kidding me?" The bold prince started. "That is the stupidest idea every thought. Earthlings have weapons. It is only a matter of time until technology defies us." Keser snapped. "A young Nerron like you shouldn't say such a thing. Please do not stop my words with pure nonsense and worthless trash-"

"Sir," Teklen interuppted. "It just might work."
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Old 06-28-2010, 11:43 AM   #15
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Default Re: Nerron

I have nothing else to do sooo...

Chapter 3 Earth Review

Spoiler:

"Do you care to explain?" Keser demanded.

Teklen scratched his head for a few moments. "Have you forgotten that we have as much as 4 spaceships ready to take off? Testing them and going to Earth at the same time could be rewarding; the worst that could happen is that we would crash land on Earth, our sworn enemy."

Teklen gave everyone a moment to soak in that information, and then they began to chat about how it would work.

"Silence!" Keser blared. "We cannot test our rockets on an important mission such as this-"

"Sir," Teklen began. "We know enough information about Earth, and since the abduction a while back I have been including information in my notebook..." Teklen withdrew a notebook from a brown leather bag he had fetched before the big announcement. "Check it out." He showed the notebook to Keser, and here is what it said:

Earthlings breathe oxygen 10x lighter than us.
Earthlings have limited information storage in their brains.
Baby Nerrons have near-rubber lungs and can hold their breath for about 45 minutes; Earth babies cannot do such things.
Baby Nerrons can walk and their legs are actually stronger than grown-up Nerrons, however baby earthlings are incredibly weak.
Technology is incredibly risky; hundreds of deaths come from technology backfires.

Teklen read these parts out loud and then showed Keser the rest.

Keser refused. "Just because you write down information that may not be true doesn't make me rely on you to not mess up on this mission."

Teklen grew impatient. "You are just scared. How can you ever win the lottery if you don't buy the ticket? Let us try this idea."

Hikaru, the one who started this conversation, was proud that he had such a great idea. It backfired when Keser said this:

"Send Hikaru with you, Teklen. You two are going to go to Earth."

"Sir, are you serious? I will not go on board- alone -with a child. Please at least send some experts along..." Teklen argued.

"You two are the only ones who want to! I will not force my people to do things they do not want to do, but if you truly want to try this mission, that is how it will be set up. If you succeed and gain information about Earthlings, maybe even take some hostage, I will move my people to Earth to take over. This planet is getting overpopulated anyways, and while this mission is risky, you two want to do it. Make up your mind; visit me at midnight tomorrow. If you don't, I will take it as a no." Keser demanded. "You are all dismissed, but I wish to talk to Hikaru."

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Old 06-29-2010, 08:12 AM   #16
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Default Re: Nerron

1 bump a day keeps the doctors away.
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:38 AM   #17
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Default Re: Nerron

Chapter 4: Government Actions

Spoiler:

1 week after Masashi's death...

The captain was enraged and was on a warpath, and that was not good since the room had multiple master-computers and expert scientists.

"M-maybe he is coming home..." A shaky scientist implied.

"He would've called us! What has happened? I trusted you to keep him safe inside the spacesuit!" The captain tried to conceal his rage, but he wasn't doing so well.

"S-sir, it wasn't our fault," The same scientist said poorly. "Masashi took off his spacesuit! It was his own fault!"

"Well, I still trusted you to at least find out what had happened..." The captain said quietly. "Get out of my building!"

That scientist scuttled away and forgot to grab his things on the way out.

"Everyone, I want you to activate the camera inside the rocket and spacesuit," The captain ordered. "We need to figure out what happened."

Meanwhile, on Nerron...

"Hikaru, I despise you for starting this mess," Keser facepalmed. "However, you may have started a great idea. You and Teklen will be traveling to Earth, and whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is none of my concern. As the current prince of Nerron I can't make you two go on this mission. If only the original king were here, but he has abandoned us... As his son I will take his duties." Hikaru listened intently to Keser's words. "You have time to make your decision, as I stated."

It was Hikaru's turn to talk. "It was just an idea, I didn't mean to-"

"Ideas are powerful, young one..." Keser interuppted and smiled. "It was a lucky mistake. If you truly despise your idea you and Teklen will confront me tomorrow at midnight. Do not forget that Teklen has a say in what will happen." Keser finished, but then added one more thing. "Good luck."

Hikaru stepped outside and felt the cool breeze. "I just wish I didn't have this much to do for my planet. I would rather stick to chores."

It was then that Masashi's oxygen tank started to burst into flames, starting the next catastrophe.

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Old 07-02-2010, 08:20 AM   #18
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Default Re: Nerron

...I feel like I'm doing this story for my own entertainment...

Chapter 5: Breath Bomb
Spoiler:

It was pure panic.

While Keser was evacuating the area, Teklen was double checking everywhere to make sure no one was left behind. Luckily, it was that big of a fire; just a few small houses and that was it.

Hikaru thought he could pick up the airtank and chuck it somewhere far, but Teklen stopped him.

"Hikaru, move!" Teklen tackled Hikaru forcing him to let go of the airtank... Which exploded.

Which blew up Teklens arm.

"What the..." Teklen murmered. "Hikaru, don't try to be a hero..."

Keser evacuated Hikaru and Teklen to a special area that was only used in emergencies. It was the Glass Dome.

The dome was powered by solar power, and the solar power energy was used to create a force field to block all potentially hazards. Air packets were also in storage to help the Nerrons keep their oxygen. Other than that, there was nothing inside the dome except for ground and Nerrons.

The door was sealed.

Fire oozed around the ground and licked up the walls. Everyone was trying to help Teklen, who held the arm that wasn't attached to anything. "Teklen, it's alright..." Keser said and stood up straight. "People of Nerron! This is a Code Red situation. We're all in the Glass Dome and there's no way out. We will just wait until the flames go away..." He thought for a little bit, and said, "Hikaru and Teklen! This is the perfect time to go to Earth." Keser beamed his smile full of white teeth.

"Sir... I only have one arm!" Teklen refused.

"Just go!" Keser ordered. The door opened, and by then the flames were lower, perfect for jumping over.

Hikaru and Teklen obeyed. They hopped over the flames. Teklen was making sure his deattached arm didn't touch the fire. Finally, after running about 3 miles, they came to their ship.

Hikaru and Teklen looked at each other. "It's your fault we're in this mess," Teklen muttered. They stepped in the ship.

"Hikaru, do you have an idea of how to control this?" Teklen asked; there were buttons, levers, speakers... Everything there could be in a rocket ship.

Hikaru pressed the big green button on a whim. The rocket started up, and flames came out of the bottom. Trust me, Hikaru and Teklen were done with fire for one day. A small screen turned on and a digital map appeared.

"Destination?" The map asked through the speakers in a robotic voice.

"Planet Earth." Teklen answered back. The map fidgeted around and made a small planet, with "Earth" in words above it.

"Here we go," Teklen declared.


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Old 07-02-2010, 01:34 PM   #19
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Default Re: Planet Nerron

You have a good grasp of setting up action and suspense, but more than just cutting down on dialog i think you need to work on what the characters are saying. Good dialog is engaging and realistic, like something somebody would actually say, rather than sounding like it came straight from a text book.

For example, in chapter one when the captain is woken up at 1 am, make him say something fun like, "For Christ's sake" (or if you want to work around the mild swear, "For crying out loud") "It's one in the blood (etc) morning, Masashi, you'd better have..." at this point the captain could break off as he wakes up a little more and realizes Mashashi isn't exactly calling from down the street. You could add a detail about how he springs up from bed, or how masashi hears a bang followed by an angry yell on the other end and assumes he hit his head on something.

Just keep little additions like that in mind while your writing and your end result will be something both more enjoyable and engaging for the reader and will have more developed and realistic characters.

Also, try to add in more thoughts from your narrator. The reader wants to know whats going on in the character's head and thoughts and his reactions to things that happen are a good way to let readers get to know him.

Truly, for a novice writer like you say, you have a really good grasp of writing and know what you want to do. You just need to give the characters a little more room to develop and your writing will be that much more engaging to the reader. Your humor really comes through and the descriptions are great. so overall its a really strong start. =)
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:15 AM   #20
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Default Re: Planet Nerron

Thank you itasan! I will do some work on Chapter 1 later... After I post this chapter

*spelling?

Chapter 6: And That Makes a Total of 3
Spoiler:

Hikaru had studied space travel at the Nerron School, and he was very interested in it. Hikaru wished he had actually listened to the last few lessons; "Controlling a Spaceshuttle."

Teklen was not fond of the whole idea, and he came onboard thinking that Hikaru was a brain at space travel, but the only lessons he didn't listen in on were the ones that actually mattered.

"Dang it, Hikaru," Teklen cursed as he slammed his hand down on the heavy metal. "At least the map tells you where to go."

The map worked like a GPS made from Earth, only it was much more advanced. You would say where you wanted to go through the speakers and the map would convert you words into text where it would read it and then respond by giving directions.

Hours and hours later...

"Teklen, I think I can see Earth!" Hikaru exclaimed with joy.

"Thinking is not good enough," Teklen tutored. "But if you are right, I guess the words are valid." Teklen grinned as he peered through the main window in the front of the ship. "I guess that is Earth... Hit the Invisibility Button."

Hikaru obeyed, hitting a clear button, and the ship became transparent; for the Nerrons at least. To anything other than their species it was invisible. "Teklen, have we succeeded?" Hikaru asked like a little boy waking up on Christmas.

Teklen realized in horror that the ship was picking up speed. He tried slamming on the emergency brake to no avail. "Darn it! What were those scientists thinking! They haven't fixed the invisibility bug!" Teklen discovered.

Hikaru realized that they were going to crashland on Earth.

Some time later...

"Ugh..." Hikaru's eyes slowly opened to let in light. He picked himself up to see what was around him... He saw two Nerrons in front of him.

Two Nerrons? Hikaru thought. We only traveled with one...

"Hikaru," Teklen said proudly. "We're on Earth, and we're not damaged. We've found the one that disappeared all those years ago. We've found Maranon!"

Nerron children heard stories about Maranon, partly because he was the bravest Nerron, and partly because he was the Nerron who was taken to Earth. Maranon wore tattered clothes in camouflouge* and stray blonde hair.

"Sadly," Maranon announced, "That makes three of us." With these words, Hikaru realized sadly that was actually on Earth, and he was actually captured... That his friends were left behind, and that he was going to be used for Earthlings. It was a sad thought, really. Hikaru had dreams for Nerron. He wanted to help his species out someday.

Then he realized that with Teklen and Maranon, he could defeat the ones that bothered their planet. Hikaru could murder them all in cold blood.

It's time we defend ourselves.
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