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Old 06-20-2010, 10:43 AM   #1
Twisterty
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EDIT: I've chosen to make this thread for my Fanfic instead of just a preview. It seems easier.


"Help, help!" Ethan screamed as he ran. "Somebody please help me!" Bullets flew past him, one scraping the back of his thigh. He shreiked in pain and terror " No please! Stop! " He turned around, seeing a silloutte of his father and another group of men. His fear quickly shifted to confusion. This was his father, his own flesh and blood, why would he do such a thing to his own son? Ethan began to faint, the pain was unimaginable. He began pulling himself away, his eyesight dimming in the process. He couldn't even here himself screaming, but then again, in the middle of the forest, no one could. Then he was gone. Out cold. One of the men put his gun to Ethan's temple, and a single shot was fired.
And then he woke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penny for your thoughts?

Last edited by Twisterty; 07-15-2010 at 06:17 PM.
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Old 06-20-2010, 10:55 AM   #2
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Dang, its that bad...
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Old 06-21-2010, 07:51 AM   #3
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It's not bad at all, give it some time.

It's actually pretty good, but a little too short. Also, if you write more, don't write things that are toooo bloody. I mean, bloody parts are okay, just don't turn your story into a bloodbath, or it will have to be taken down.

But otherwise good! Keep it up! *thumbs up*
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I ish a writer. :3
Well, excuuuse me, Princess. xD
I'm not a Naruto Fangirl, I just couldn't think of a name
...
Conversation of the month:
Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBlackChidori
test...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasen_Chidori
...icle?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maikeru Shinigami
I hate you, I was eating an apple, and now I'm coughing because it went down the wrong pipe. Go to hell you selfish bastard.

Falling head-first,
with a slight sense of fear.
Crashing through clouds,
with a sick knot of dread.
Tumbling past air

with nobody near.
Nothing but blurs,
of feelings I've fled.

Monstrous joy,
for all that appears
gone
but is really there.
And yet as I fall
all I can do,
is watch
while I'm falling through air.

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Old 06-21-2010, 03:29 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NarutoRulez View Post
It's not bad at all, give it some time.

It's actually pretty good, but a little too short. Also, if you write more, don't write things that are toooo bloody. I mean, bloody parts are okay, just don't turn your story into a bloodbath, or it will have to be taken down.

But otherwise good! Keep it up! *thumbs up*
Thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prologue continued:

"Good afternoon, Mr.Russell. How are you feeling?"
"I'm doing fine, Janice." Replied Ethan. He rose, stretched and yawned."It's this late already?" Janice opened the blinds, revealing the orange and purple sky overlooking the ocean. "Yes. 6:03 to be exact." "You must be experiencing jet lag. It's only 6 in the morning back in New York." Said Janice, walking to the hallway. "Would you like me to prepare your training session after supper? It's your favorite, Shrimp Alfredo."
"Sure, I'll be out in the sand. Expect me back here around 7, it should be ready by then." He replied following her downstairs. If most of the building hadn't been glass, it was white. White marble floors, beds, couches. It was a very expensive house, but, when you were the leader of the SS, everything you wanted could be at your demand.
Fortunately, Ethan wasn't like that. Though you'd expect most 14 year olds to abuse these privileges, and being one of the most powerfull people in the world, you'd expect him to be spoiled, but he wasn't.
"Janice?"
"Yes, Mr.Russell?"
"I had that dream again."
"About your father?"
"Yea. It feels like its trying to tell me something, but, when ever I here the bullet shot, it ends."
"Have you been considering the therapist?"
"Ahh. I haven't." He looked at the at the clock. 6:13."But I don't want to go. I don't feel comfortable telling people about my past. It goes straight to the Media."
"I understand your views, Mr.Russell. But as your caretaker a believe it is in your best interest, as well as the rest of the SS, that you see one before its to late."
"You worry to much. Whats the worst that could happen?" He began brushing his teeth.
"Things. Things that make me fear for your life and mine."
Ethan spit and grabbed his surfboard. He went to Janice.
"You should get your hair done. We have a meeting with Scorpia tomorrow at 3." He twisted his finger through her black hair. " Tell the chef to add some Parmesan on the Alfredo." He walked out onto the sand of the island of Shikoku. "I'll be back in a few."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll continue once it gets more attention. No need for unnecessary work.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:35 AM   #5
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This one is pretty good as well. I like it! ^_^

You should think about describing emotions and senses though. Most writers forget to mention things like smell, taste, not only sight, but others. You don't have to do it, it's just something I like to keep in mind.

Good job, by the way!
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I ish a writer. :3
Well, excuuuse me, Princess. xD
I'm not a Naruto Fangirl, I just couldn't think of a name
...
Conversation of the month:
Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBlackChidori
test...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasen_Chidori
...icle?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maikeru Shinigami
I hate you, I was eating an apple, and now I'm coughing because it went down the wrong pipe. Go to hell you selfish bastard.

Falling head-first,
with a slight sense of fear.
Crashing through clouds,
with a sick knot of dread.
Tumbling past air

with nobody near.
Nothing but blurs,
of feelings I've fled.

Monstrous joy,
for all that appears
gone
but is really there.
And yet as I fall
all I can do,
is watch
while I'm falling through air.

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Old 07-15-2010, 06:42 PM   #6
Twisterty
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[SPOILER]Episode 1: "My Fathers Business."

As if it wasn't bad enough meeting with his older brother, Ethan
Had to do it all with a fever. The chef had given him a bad shrimp in
His Alfredo last night, he'd been throwing up and passing out all
night. He rested his head on the window. "Janice, wheres the bloody
Advil?!" She quickly scurried toward the cabinet, searching for
children
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:47 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Twisterty View Post
Dang, its that bad...
Yes, because a paragraph is not much to go on, xD
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:52 PM   #8
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Default Re: Sneak Preview

As if it wasn't bad enough meeting with his older brother, Ethan
Had to do it all with a fever. The chef had given him a bad shrimp in
His Alfredo last night, he'd been throwing up and passing out all
night. He rested his head on the window. "Janice, wheres the bloody
Advil?!" She quickly scurried toward the cabinet, searching for
children
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:52 PM   #9
Twisterty
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Omg, it keeps getting cut off. I quit lol.
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Old 07-15-2010, 07:02 PM   #10
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You will have to replace all apostrophies, semicolons, and qoutes
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Old 07-16-2010, 02:39 AM   #11
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^What Kuroda said.

When using certain characters, the posts are cut off.
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I ish a writer. :3
Well, excuuuse me, Princess. xD
I'm not a Naruto Fangirl, I just couldn't think of a name
...
Conversation of the month:
Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBlackChidori
test...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasen_Chidori
...icle?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maikeru Shinigami
I hate you, I was eating an apple, and now I'm coughing because it went down the wrong pipe. Go to hell you selfish bastard.

Falling head-first,
with a slight sense of fear.
Crashing through clouds,
with a sick knot of dread.
Tumbling past air

with nobody near.
Nothing but blurs,
of feelings I've fled.

Monstrous joy,
for all that appears
gone
but is really there.
And yet as I fall
all I can do,
is watch
while I'm falling through air.

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Old 07-17-2010, 11:50 AM   #12
Twisterty
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Episode 1: My Fathers Business.

As if it wasn't bad enough meeting with his older brother, Ethan
had to do it all with a food poisoning. The chef had given him a bad shrimp in
his Alfredo, he'd been throwing up and passing out all
night. He rested his head on the window. "Janice, hurry, get the bucket!" She scurried toward the bathroom, searching for
searching for a mop bucket. She turned up unsuccessful.
"I'm sorry but you may just have to wait until we land on Tokyo, Mr. Russell. Please, bear with me until then." Janice sadly said. It hurt her to see him in distress.
"I do not want Thomas to see me like this, he'll just gloat and gloat.
How long before we land?"
"Less than 30 minutes, why?"
He flicked his head back. "I need my advil. Tell the pilot to move quickly, and order me a prescription to the nearest drug store. Order a cab for the ride to Scorpia HQ too."
"Sure. Your suit is also ready. I'd recommend a session before we arrive. And also-" Ethan cut in. "Clarice and Clown should handle things quite well, we shouldn't be going through any frivolous diversions before I purchase the
company."

******
Ethan rode the elevator up to highest floor. He glanced at the intern, shook his head, then barged into his siblings office.
"Good afternoon, Thomas."
"Hello Ethan. I wasn't Expecting
you! Welcome to Scorpia brother. What brings you here?"
"Business. I've come to buy Scorpia."
Thomas laughed "I wasn't thinking that you would come for something
silly like that. Possibly pleading for Money, there's plenty of that."He slipped his hand under his desk, his guard walked in while his intern began her walk to the basement.
"Ethan, I strongly believe that you are naive to total cost off Scorpia. That
takes me to another matter, where have you been living for the past years? And how much money do you actually think Scorpia is worth?"
"With Janice, in the apartment in Virgina. Its awfully lonely there, and I've
decided to involve myself into my fathers business, like you. I've gone
attempt after attempt but it seems like I fail each time. I'm hoping that it would only cost the money I have in my piggy bank, you haven't sent me a dime since mom died. So, I guess It'd be easier to buy your company instead. But before that, I'd like to see some off you prototypes."
"Well well. I thought you'd never join in on the fun. Follow me to the main hall. Come, servant."
Ethan swiveled his eyes to the guard, how sighed and Followed his employer. He had a remarkable red nose, like he had just finished a hike on the Alaskan tundra. They both Followed Thomas to a Large door that Had the Number 5 Stamped onto it, Only few got see what was behind these doors before they hit the armies and such the Guard, of course, had been able to, you'd guess the intern, but that nobody could be trusted within the company.
"Welcome to Area 5."
__________________________________________________ ______________________________-
I know the Chapters are short, I was going to widen this one but, the start wasn't as epic as I wanted it to be. The next 2 or three chapters will be action packed, and about 5 pages long. thats how they are in my note book. I'll bring those out next week.

Last edited by Twisterty; 07-17-2010 at 11:53 AM.
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