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-   -   my 4am fanfic story (http://forum.naruto.viz.com/showthread.php?t=59353)

lolohwd 05-31-2010 03:54 AM

my 4am fanfic story
 
Yojyhio Zatchi was a horrible ninja. He was bacially the worst in the the whole village . There was one thing tho there was always a dove following him. No one knew exactly why it followed him or what it could do. It would just fly by his shoulder.not even his brother, suhio knew where the bird came from. Suhio was a very splendid ninja. His parents were both killed by a ninja from the village hidden in the trees. After this suhio was told to look after yojyhio by the village leader. They were playing in the forest outside of the village one night until suhio was called by the village leader to report about his mission to the village hidden in the darkness. Suhio told his brother to run home. A ninja from the paper village saw yojyhio and decided to attack. The ninja turned a bunch of papers into shriken and they rushed at yojyhio. Yojyhio turned around at the sound of one of the shurikens hitting a tree. There was no time to move. He was a sitting goose. Out of nowhere a bunch of white shurikens blocked the attack . Yojyhio looked to see who saved his live and to his surprise his dove was glowing with a white chakra. Yojyhio proudly said

lolohwd 05-31-2010 03:54 AM

Re: my 4am fanfic story
 
“Yo little bro u ok?” yojyhio opened his eyes to see his brother patching up his stomach. “What happened? How long have I been out? Wheres’ my dove?” “Calm down bro I took care of it. I carried you back home. Me and the investigation team found u by a paper ninja-”suhio said ”That’s right out of nowhere a ninja attacked me. What happened to him?” yojyhio asked. “Well he had about four cuts across his chest apparently from a wind type ninja.” ”Wait no it wasn’t a ninja it was my dove” suhio looked puzzled and then started to laugh “I think ur a little light headed just try to sleep ill wake you up tomorrow” “but I cant go to sleep now I want to train with you” “right now its important for you to rest so you can train hard” “fine.“ Yojyhio closed his eyes while suhio stared down the dove as it sat on the porch of the Zatchi house. What happens next ur guys suggestions would be splendid this is just like I guess the first chapter/
I kno this story sucks but feedback would be great
I wrote this at like 3 am so give me some slack
And with pictures it would make more sense
__________________

lolohwd 05-31-2010 03:55 AM

Re: my 4am fanfic story
 
“Yajyhio can you come out side for a moment I want to show you something” suhio’s scream echoes all through the empty shrine. Yajyhio just waking up walks out and is blinded by the light reflecting off of the waterfall which was located in the corner of the giant sand lot. “Brother where are you”yajyhio screams. Woo the sound of a kunai comes flying through the air. Yajyhio barely dodges. Confused he looks around and yells “whoever you are ill kick your ass”. Another kunai is thrown from the direction of the waterfall. Still not able to see yajyhio can’t tell how far it is a predicament he’s been in before. He tries to cover up his face but before the kunai reaches him it is knocked to the side by a gust of wind. “Ha ha so you were telling the truth little bro”. suhio finally jumps off the waterfall reveiling himself to a startled yajyhio. “Whattda mean bro.” yajyhio replies. “well like you said the night before you or no other ninja helped it was all that dove” suhio explains. Dramatic thought music. From the ninja we found lying on the ground next to you apparently this bird can mold wind chakra. They both stare at the dove

lolohwd 05-31-2010 03:55 AM

Re: my 4am fanfic story
 
The dove sitting on a wooden pole with its wings fully out. “So tsuru protects me. Yajyhio proclaims. Now I can show everyone that I am a true ninja to be!!.” “Hold on little bro we have now idea what the dove can do.” Wait you finally named it. Suhio asks surprisingly. As in crane??” “Well its white so I thought itd be cool.” Yajyhio explains “Well besides that we have no idea what its true powers are and if it’s even a dove.” Suhio examines the dove as it is doing the usual fly over yajhyio trick. “We’ll have to do some tests after I get back from a mission with taberu sensei.” “Hes dragging you along again.” Yajyhio says rolling his eyes. “Hey im greatfull for taberu sensei’s training and he helps pay for our necessities.” “But hes a lazy old hag.” Yajyhio replies. “Don’t talk about him like that. He has helped raise you as much as I have. You’re lucky that dad had at least one man he could trust to help us” Yajyhio smirks and turns away .“How about this before the mission will bring you along to get some ice cream.” I think that cute girl in your class lives around there maybe you two can talk a bit before you head home.” “No, She talks like forever and she’s a year older so she’s always putting me down. Yajyhio yells “Come on yajyhio you have to talk to someone. It’s not always going to just be me and you.” Yes it will because you will protect me and I’ll protect you”. Yajyhio promised. “Hahaah sure yajyhio. Well both get stronger and protect each other.” “Yeah ok enough about that lets get some ice cream. I want the sushi flavored one.” They walk out of the shrine while the gates close. From this angle you can see that most of the shrine was charred except for the main area and the boys living quarters. When their parents were killed the tree ninja almost totally destroyed the shrine. They wanted to make sure that they did not survive. Last picture would be like a pic of them laughing on their way to the ice cream ninja parlor

feedback would be wonder full

Rasen_Chidori 05-31-2010 05:38 AM

Re: my 4am fanfic story
 
I sent you a pm with my suggestions, I'm not sure how good my advise was.....you can tell me if it didn't help.

Kuroda Taishi 05-31-2010 06:13 AM

Re: my 4am fanfic story
 
I suggest combinind your all of your posts. They should all be able to fit in the first post.

NarutoRulez 05-31-2010 07:42 AM

Re: my 4am fanfic story
 
It's a nice idea, but you might need some grammar and spelling improvement. Also, as KT already said, I suggest that you put everything in one post next time. Add paragraphs, too. But it's really creative, nice job. ^_^


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