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NarutoRB5
06-11-2009, 12:16 PM
Many of you probably know I'm writing stories about a different ninja world. I've written 2 chapters so far but I want to edit them and make them better by using your ideas. Please give ideas about what to add or change about these chapters!!! If you havent read the first two chapters I posted them below once you've read them give me some of your ideas!!!

chapter 1: The Dream

The hallway seemed as if it would go on forever. Leon knew he could keep running from the dark shadow that chased after him. The shadow was slowly gaining on him and he was exhausted. Before he could realise what happened another shadow appeared infront of him. It slowly reached out and grabbed him. He tried to scream but no one could hear him as his voice echoed in the never ending hall. Darkness swallowed him and all he could see was pitch blackness. He could hear a ringing sound in the distance. It was quiet at first but then it got louder. It kept getting louder until Leon found himself sitting upright in bed.
"It was just a dream but it was like it was trying to warn me about something" Leon said to himself. Leon looked at the clock on his dresser. It read 9:28. Leon suddenly remembered his squad had a mission today and they were meeting at the village gate at 9:40. He swore under his breath as he quickly undressed. He put on his blue ripped up jeans and a black long sleeved shirt. He threw on a gray jacket and put on his black leather gloves. "Sh!t I'm going to be late and senseis going to kill me". Leon ran out the door into the light. Many villagers were out roaming around. There were tons of shops selling many fruits,vegetables,ninja tools, and scrolls. He could see the village gate up ahead but he had to pick up some ninja weapons before setting out. Leon walked into the weapon store with tons of demon wind shuriken hanging on the wall. He walked up to the register and yelled for Damien who ran the store. "Coming" Damien yelled from the back of store. Behind the counter stood a huge sword in a beatiful gold sheath with velvet blue straps. The hilt was a beatiful yellow and Red. It was the sword Leon had wanted every since he was 8. Damien said he would sell it to him when he proved he was worthy to use it. "Ah Leon your late but anyway here are the kunai knifes you ordered" Leon said as he handed Leon a kunai pouch full of 18 Kunais. Leon tied it around his leg and yelled thanks as he left the store. Leon could see everyone waiting by the gate and could their angry faces. "You @SShole your late once again" Tayera yelled at him in an angry tone. "Sorry I had a terrible dream" Leon said "Anyway lets go". "Ugh this is going to be a long trip just don't get in my way and we'll get along just fine" Shun said. Tech-Zone sied and just signaled to the group that it was time to go. The group set out and had no idea what lay ahead in their life.

Chapter 2: Killer Ninja dead ahead

"What exactly is this mission again" Leon asked Tech-Zone? "We're going to be escourting a ninja from Taktora town to Castle town" Tech-Zone Replied "He needs to deliver a very important message to the Queen that cannot fall into enemy hands". "No goofing off this is a very important mission if we fail it will make the entire village look bad". "Don't worry sensei I've been training for weeks" Leon said with a smile on his face. He had finally perfected the shadow clone jutsu and had now been working on a jutsu he called lightning fist. It could k.o. someone in an instant. The whole time Shun had been quiet. Something did'nt seem right. It was summer yet just awhile ago he had noticed a tree with red leaves while all the other trees were green. "Sensei someones following us" Shun whispered to him. Tech-Zone just nodded and started to pick up the pace. He wasnt really up to fighting his students weren't really ready to fight rouge ninja at their current level. " Hey sensei can we take a break it's almost nighttime and I'm tired" Tayera yawned. "How are you tired we haven't been walking that long" Leon laughed in Tayera's face as she wacked him in the head. Then picking him up by the neck she flung him at a tree. Leon couldnt take the pain his back felt as if it was going to exsplode. "*@** that hurt" Leon murmered under his breathe. Leon sat there starring at the grass as a dark figure emerged from behind the tree. The figure wore a dark cloak and held a long sword in his left hand. The man held the sword up to Leon's neck and spoke slowly " I was ordered to take out the ninja who are traviling to castle town to deliver the message to the Queen". "Surrender now or I shall kill the boy". Tech-Zone wasn't threatened at all by this. He could make it in time but was afraid that someone else might be with him. Rogue ninja don't normally travel alone. Before the mysterious man's eyes could adjust to what happened Tech-Zone had already grabbed the metal blade sending a jolt of electricity throught it shocking the mysterious man. Tech-Zone let down his defence as another man came out from the trees on the other side of the wall. "Mud Style: Mud Shot"! Mud shot out from the sleeve of the mans cloak filled with needles that carried poison on their tips aiming straight for Tech-Zone. Tayera screamed knowing there was no way her sensei could dodge it in time. "To slow" Shun yelled as he started to form handsigns "Fire Style: Flamethrower". The fire burst out in beatiful orange and red colors. It blasted the man in flames sending him flying. The mud went way off and collided into an old oak tree. "Okay everyone looks ok" Tech Zone said as he picked up the two mysterious rogue ninja " Great job everyone now set-up camp for the night I'll finish these two off". Tech-Zone walked deep into the forest. His figure got smaller,smaller,smaller and soon he disapeared into the dark depths of the forest.

Amai Kisuke
06-28-2009, 05:54 AM
It's a very good start - just work on the spelling and grammer a bit. The Leon character sounds interesting! ^_^