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deidara330
10-21-2009, 04:42 PM
I'm giving up on this fanfic, since I haven't edited it in like a month.

Vatanui AKA Pride
10-21-2009, 06:58 PM
Awww, what happened? I was looking forward to reading this.

itachi/madara
10-21-2009, 07:04 PM
or were you pride?

Vatanui AKA Pride
10-21-2009, 07:05 PM
He PMed me about it. The intro was pretty good.

mangagirl
10-21-2009, 07:10 PM
or were you pride?
u changed ur color???

aww i wanted to see it

deidara330
10-21-2009, 07:10 PM
He PMed me about it. The intro was pretty good.
Well, I thought I didn't quite like the intro that much, so I decided to re-write it. I changed a few of the parts, but a good deal of it is basically the same as it was.

deidara330
10-24-2009, 07:52 AM
Bump, I would like more people to give their opinions on this, please.

The Demon Zabuza
10-24-2009, 08:06 AM
I already like the storyline, but I would;

1. Split it up. I get scared of walls of text.
2. Use more adjectives. He ran. He looked. This is personal opinion though.
3. Use more complex grammar, like semi-colons, longer sentences, ect.
4. Describe the characters better. I didn't feel that scared.
5. I can imagine it getting very confusing with SR and SOR and stuff, so you should think about that (if you haven't already)

I am being very critical though, since I doubt you want another post saying 'lolz, that was gr8! when's the next chapter!'.

deidara330
10-24-2009, 08:26 AM
I already like the storyline, but I would;

1. Split it up. I get scared of walls of text.
2. Use more adjectives. He ran. He looked. This is personal opinion though.
3. Use more complex grammar, like semi-colons, longer sentences, ect.
4. Describe the characters better. I didn't feel that scared.
5. I can imagine it getting very confusing with SR and SOR and stuff, so you should think about that (if you haven't already)

I am being very critical though, since I doubt you want another post saying 'lolz, that was gr8! when's the next chapter!'.

1. I did that just now.
2. I'm not trying to write a novel, I just had a random idea and put it up. I suppose I could try that.
3. I don't like long sentences, but they would fit the story better. Same with semi-colins.
4. I could try that, too.
5. I wanted that to be one of the minor plot elements, with the demonss having no actual names of their own. Like SR1 or SR9 or SR6. Although, I can see where that'd be a bit confusing. One reason I did that was actually so I wouldn't have any problems naming all of the antagonists, but certain antagonists later would get their own names.

To be honest, I actually did want to see that. But I suppose healthy criticism will help me with writing the rest.

9naruto
10-24-2009, 08:45 AM
Ahh its ok.... not much descibing though.....like zabuza said i didnt feel scared.... try some thing like with his face.... "I i could see the flesh molting off his face in strands and burning up. His eyes were so bloodshot they could of been completely red."

deidara330
10-24-2009, 09:02 AM
Ahh its ok.... not much descibing though.....like zabuza said i didnt feel scared.... try some thing like with his face.... "I i could see the flesh molting off his face in strands and burning up. His eyes were so bloodshot they could of been completely red."
I wasn't actually trying to make you feel scared. I didn't actually spend that much time writing it, though. Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't think I'll use that.

9naruto
10-24-2009, 09:05 AM
I wasn't actually trying to make you feel scared. I didn't actually spend that much time writing it, though. Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't think I'll use that.

k just sayin :p ......"His eyes were so bloodshot th...."

deidara330
10-24-2009, 09:53 AM
I already like the storyline, but I would;

1. Split it up. I get scared of walls of text.
2. Use more adjectives. He ran. He looked. This is personal opinion though.
3. Use more complex grammar, like semi-colons, longer sentences, ect.
4. Describe the characters better. I didn't feel that scared.
5. I can imagine it getting very confusing with SR and SOR and stuff, so you should think about that (if you haven't already)

I am being very critical though, since I doubt you want another post saying 'lolz, that was gr8! when's the next chapter!'.
Okay, I tried to incorporate more of that into chapter 1.

The Demon Zabuza
10-24-2009, 09:54 AM
lolz, that was gr8! when's the next chapter!

deidara330
10-24-2009, 09:56 AM
lolz, that was gr8! when's the next chapter!
LOL :p
I didn't quite mean it that literally.

Kuroda Taishi
10-24-2009, 05:39 PM
It is pretty decent so far. One thing you need to work on is making sure you stay consistent in what tense you are using. You keep switching back and forth between past and present.

Kuroda Taishi
10-24-2009, 05:50 PM
Chad Pearson stood in an area of pitch-black, and he was more confused than he ever had been in his entire life. It was impossible for him to see even three inches in front of his face. He had no memory of ever being brought here, or coming here by his own will. "How did I get here?" He walked forward, trying to look for something that would tell him where he could possibly be. But there was nothing there. He was absolutely certain of one thing: He had no idea where he was. He decided it wasn't a very good idea to stay here and wait for who-knows-what to get him, so he started running. He ran as fast and as far as he could, but it was no use. There was simply no way out. Eventually, his legs got so tired he had to stop and rest. He was starving, tired, and he didn't have the energy to go on. "It's hopeless," Chad said. "I'm never getting out of here." He lied down, and he was about to give up when he heard a voice. "Don't give up," the voice said. "There's a way out." "Great, now I'm going crazy, hearing voices inside my head. Well, Mr. Disembodied Voice, where is this so-called exit? I sure as heck don't see anything." "It's right over there, by the light." He sat up. "What light?" he asked. "That one, over there on your right."



Okay so the first two are conflicting. it should stay there instead of here.

for the third red it should be layed.

for the fourth red, it should be a comma instead of a period.

deidara330
10-24-2009, 05:53 PM
Okay so the first two are conflicting. it should stay there instead of here.

for the third red it should be layed.

for the fourth red, it should be a comma instead of a period.
Hmmm, I hardly noticed. I'll edit that.

deidara330
10-31-2009, 03:54 PM
Bumping, please give input.

Kakashi-Hatake
11-04-2009, 08:51 PM
You should:
-Make it more exciting.
-Put more "pizzazz" into it
-Don't make simple sentences
-Use more complex and compound sentences.
-Add description.

deidara330
11-05-2009, 03:23 PM
You should:
-Make it more exciting.
-Put more "pizzazz" into it
-Don't make simple sentences
-Use more complex and compound sentences.
-Add description.
Numbers 1 and 2 are the same thing. So are numbers 3 and 4.