View Full Version : The Fox's Shadow

08-19-2009, 07:57 PM
I'm so nervous... I keep scraping ideas for something like this, so I need your guys opinion... *scared and nervous at the same time*:oops::oops::oops: :shock::shock::shock:
The Fox's Shadow

Part One

I never thought that I would die so young. When I was just a little kid, I would fall and bruise myself, but never cry. I believed I was invincible, just like every kid my age. It was truly childish behavior. When my father got sick, I would always go picking flowers, leaving them by his bedside… That is, until he died.

Mother wept and stayed by the bed for days, starving herself even though she made meals for me. Finally, she couldn’t take it any longer. Taking the knife she was cutting my bread with, she stabbed herself. I saw the entire thing. Her last words were “I’m sorry, Kotone… I wish I was a better mother to you…” After that, she fell to the floor, leaving me on my own.

I soon fell ill after that, but exercised my body everyday, picking the carrots I continued to grow for my survival. Nuts and berries were found all over the place, and I soon was in better physical state then before I was sick. I was able to support myself until my twelfth birthday. I had been slowly getting worse the entire time, until I couldn’t bear to open the bedroom door.

This is it, my last day here… I didn’t think I would die so young… Mother, why did you leave me? I thought. I wasn't panicked, and I was ready to die…
ok, this is my second chapter, slightly more confident because people have stayed neutral so far...

Part Two

I felt myself weakening. Slowly, like a candle that is almost out of wick, I felt weaker and weaker... My senses went numb, I couldn't feel a thing. Is this what dieing is like? It doesn't hurt like I thought it would... I couldn't help thinking. Suddenly, a sharp painful tug to my gut gave my senses back. I felt like I was on fire, and started hyperventilating. A flash of light, and then I passed out.


"Hey, hey! She stirred!"

"I thought she was dead! What a relief."

"She's so lucky she's pretty even after those burns!"

"Can you even think of the torture she must have endured? It makes me shudder..." I opened my eyes. A bunch of girls, most of them my age, were crowded around whatever I was on.

"Am I dead?" I asked.

"No, you're not, but I'm surprised you aren't dead, you were burned so badly!" The oldest one told me. She looked around 13, maybe older. Burnt...? Why am I burnt? I thought, while trying to get up. My head and stomach flared, and I immediately put my head back down.

"Ow..." I said, rubbing my forehead.

"Don't touch there! You'll make it worse, you have a huge burn there!" The girl said again.

"It doesn't hurt much, and by the way, I'm Kotone, what's your name?" I asked, still rubbing. She sighed, then answered.

"I'm Yuuka, these two are Natsumi and Natsuki, they are twins, this is Reina, those two are Aya and Ayaka, they are also twins, and this is Rina." Yuuka told me. Natsumi and Natsuki waved, Reina just stared into the distance, Aya and Ayaka smiled, and Rina just glared at me. Note to self, don't get Rina mad at me. I thought.

Yuuka had long brown hair and blue eyes. The elder of all the girls here wore a green short sleeved shirt, a long brown skirt, and an apron.

Aya had short blond hair and brown eyes. Ayaka had long blond hair and green eyes. Aya wore a green short sleeve with a big circle on the left side and a brown knee length skirt. Ayaka wore a green short sleeve shirt with a big circle on the right side and a brown knee length skirt.

Natsumi and Natsuki both wore green long sleeved shirts with a big circle on the back and long brown skirts. The only difference was Natsumi had short strawberry blond hair, Natsuki had long strawberry blond hair, and Natsumi had green eyes and Natsuki had blue eyes.

Reina had long reddish orange hair and green eyes. She wore a brown short sleeve with a green knee length skirt.

Rina had very short dark brown hair and silver eyes. She wore a dark green long sleeved shirt and a dark brown long skirt. She was still glaring at me.

I had very long black hair that went to the end of my back and amber eyes. I wore a loose black long sleeve shirt, and a long black skirt that ended just at my ankles. I always wore black after my father died.

"Well, Rina please go get the mistress, she'll-" The oldest brunette started. The door to my left slammed open. Every girl got in a line and stood to attention. "Kotone, may I introduce Mistress Hidoi." The blue eyed teen said, then added under her breath, "Just as what her name suggests..." I gulped. This person didn't sound good.

"Hello darling, are you feeling well? Thank you for the formal introduction, Yuuka." Mistress Hidoi asked me.

"Um, fine, except for my stomach and forehead, which burn when I try to get up." I told her.

"What is your name? When you get better you will be working here." The 'kind' woman told me. I looked at her in disbelief but quickly stopped and told her my name.

"Kotone, ma'am. It would be an honor to work here."

"Oh, perfect!" The woman cried. "I will see you a few days from now, be good!" She left the room. I sighed in relief.

nine tailed fox
08-20-2009, 03:57 PM
Nice story.

Vatanui AKA Pride
08-20-2009, 04:00 PM
Good story.

08-20-2009, 04:29 PM
thank you, please continue reading and i was worried it would be bad, what a relief ^.^

Vatanui AKA Pride
08-20-2009, 04:31 PM
It's alright, just keep going with the flow, and soon, you'll have a lot of fans. ^^

08-20-2009, 04:33 PM
*nods head but paces a little*

Vatanui AKA Pride
08-20-2009, 04:33 PM
The first chapter seems good, and had a nice addition of sadness.

08-20-2009, 06:17 PM
It's great Saku! Are you giveing up on your other story about the wolves?

08-20-2009, 06:19 PM
Oh, I also like the title ^_^

08-20-2009, 06:42 PM
i guess u could say that cherry, and ty vat i will update 2morrow ^.^

08-20-2009, 07:31 PM
Okay ^_^

08-21-2009, 02:32 PM
part two was huge, so i is going to do a seperate post for this

Part Three

"You just got manipulated, Kotone." Yuuka told me.

"I know that, I'm not stupid." I said, annoyed. Natsumi and Natsuki giggled. "Anyway, what do you do here?" I asked.

"Downstairs is the kitchen and main room, so I guess you could call this an inn!" Reina told me. Rina nodded, still glaring. To avoid saying something stupid, I stared at the outfits they were wearing.

"Oh these, Mistress makes us wear these. You can at least choose from a variety here." Aya and Ayaka told me. I glanced at the oldest girl here. She sent me a look saying "They do that all the time...".

"What do you guys make?" I asked.

"Lots of things, it'll be easier if you get sent to the kitchen so we can show you." The long haired strawberry blond said. I nodded and closed my eyes then drifted to sleep.

Vatanui AKA Pride
08-21-2009, 03:08 PM
Good chapter, but a little short though..

08-21-2009, 05:46 PM
i was in the middle of an email and pm storm... *rubs head and laughs nervously*

08-22-2009, 06:47 PM
wow i like it, keep it going

08-22-2009, 07:20 PM
it was cool

08-25-2009, 08:04 PM
ACK!! i was really gone 4 three days?! well, to make up 4 it, a huuuuuuge chapter!


A blurry figure appeared in front of me. The only thing I could make out was that is was black, and the forehead was darker than the rest of the body.

"Damn, you don't know I exist yet? It's a bit uncomfortable being blurry... Oh well, at least you can hear me." It said. I jumped. It had spoken in my voice!

"What the hell are you?" I asked, thoroughly shaken.

"Um, I could say 'I'm you', but that isn't exactly right... I don't know how to phrase it really." The whatever-it-is said.

"Again, what the hell are you?" I asked.

"Again, I could say 'I'm you' but that isn't exactly right." It said. Whatever this thing is, it's getting really annoying...

"I HEARD THAT!" The whatever-it-is yelled at me. I stuck my tongue out at it. After a few more minutes, the thing using my voice yelled out. "I got it! What I am is-" The thing started saying.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! KOTONE! WAKE UP!!" A familiar voice yelled at me.

"ARGH!" I yelled, falling out of the bed I was on.

"Reina, now look at what you've done!"

"I'm sorry Natsumi, but she wouldn't wake up would she?" Reina said.

"You made her fall out of bed! If she can't get up it will take FOREVER to get her back into bed!" Natsumi yelled at her. I tried getting up, but it hurt worse than yesterday, surprisingly. I groaned and put my head back down.

"Yuuka, she seems worse than yesterday..." A voice similar to Natsumi's said.

"Natsuki, I can see that." Yuuka told her. I opened my eyes when the pain receded. I could see Reina, Natsumi, and Natsuki crowded around me.

"Is everybody here?" I asked. Okay, from looks, it seems Reina is nine or ten, Natsumi and Natsuki are probably ten, Aya and Ayaka definitely the same age as Natsumi and Natsuki, Rina is my age, I'm twelve, and Yuuka is thirteen or fourteen. Damn, if this was a wolf pack, I'd be the direct challenger to Rina... This doesn't seem good.

"Aya, Ayaka, and Rina are all making us some food. We were left to take care of you, but Reina here gave you a rude awakening." The short haired strawberry blond said, punching the smallest on the last sentence.

"Meanie! That wasn't nice!" The nine year old yelled. Definitely nine, no doubt about it.

"Whatever." The ten year old said, rolling her eyes. I cleared my throat to get their attention.

"Can I get a word in here, or am I going to be ignored?" I asked, annoyed.

"I'd prefer you stay ignored, Kotone." An annoying voice said.

"Rina, just because she looks the same age as you doesn't mean you need to get all hostile just like the last girl..." Aya said, annoyed.


"Hm, you've stayed the longest of anybody my age, worm." Rina said. Meruko quickly hid behind the bed. "How about you leave, and I won't torture you anymore." The silver eyed girl told her. Meruko's eyes widened, then she immediately packed her bags and rushed out of the inn. "Weakling."


"You're next, fish bait." The dark haired girl threatened.

"Nevermind!" The blond said, clearly scared.

"I thought so." The inn worker said.

-flashback over-

Aya shuddered, and Rina gave her a threatening look.

"Okay, how about we eat now?" I said loudly, stopping things from getting worse.

"Yea, I'm hungry! What did you guys make today?" Natsumi and Natsuki asked.

"Roast potato with green pepper and hard boiled eggs." Ayaka said happily.

"Sounds awesome! Can I have extra egg?" I asked excitedly.

"If we have enough, sure!" The long haired blond said.


Tomorrow, the event of breakfast. It's worth the wait. XD

08-26-2009, 07:19 PM
HELLOES!!! ok, this is going to be really funny, if it isnt, srry ~.~


-2 hours earlier...-

"Okay, does everybody have everything they need?" Ayaka asked. I waved to get her attention.

"Down here! The person who can't move! Yes, that person is Kotone." I said.

"Ooh, this is going to be a problem... How is she going to eat?" Aya asked.

"Don't worry, I'll help her." Rina volunteered. Everybody stared. "What, I can't help a newbie?" She asked sarcastically. Everybody still stared but the short haired blond gave her a plate which she piled with food. "Alright, open wide!" The dark haired girl told me. I opened my mouth. Big mistake. The witch shoved it into my mouth choking me.

"Get it... out of my... MOUTH YOU OLD... HAG!!!!" I said, choking and yelling. Immediately, Natsumi and Natsuki restrained the world's best embodiment of the devil, and Yuuka took the fork out of my mouth. I immediately got up, stalked over, and punched her in the face. Then, more pain in my gut.

"She got up!" Reina whispered to the oldest one here. "Is she faking?" The youngest asked. The long haired brunette shook her head. I was already clutching the bed in an effort to support myself. It wasn't working. My legs started shaking, and the pain got worse. I ended up on the ground, feeling just about ready to pass out. I looked up to see the one who caused all this bleeding. I smirked, and tried to shuffle out of her reach. I happened to be too late, because before I could move an inch, a pile of food splattered all over me.

"You little brat!" Rina yelled at me.

"How can you call me little when I might be older than you?!" I yelled at her from the ground.

"Oh please, you can't even stand up right now. If you could, that means you are faking this entire thing and we have the right to throw you out. And if you don't, I'll make your stay here hell, and you'll die from what-" The witch's speech was cut short a peeled egg in her mouth.

"What were you saying? I believe it's rude-" I said, stopping to throw potato at her- "to talk with your mouth full!" I finished, spilling Reina's leftovers down the front of her shirt. A muffled scream rang through the room, and a slap resounded through the room. Nobody could believe their eyes. The newbie, a person who came here not even three days ago, had managed to stop earth's devil from hitting her, and land a blow on that girl.

"I believe you-" I started to say, then my stomach and head burst into flames. I screamed in agony and hit the floor.

"What's happening to her? Did Rina hit her?" A voice said, fading fast.

"No, it's her injuries, I've seen people completely pass the pain by until they cool down. Kotone has not been faking, just I believe she was provoked enough to lash out, if provoked is the proper word." Another voice answered. I was sure the person was going to say more, but I passed out then.

yes it was not all funny, but some of it was! :mrgreen:

08-26-2009, 07:24 PM

08-27-2009, 07:09 AM
yayz!! i will post later today.. head hurting form just waking up ~.~

01-08-2010, 06:46 AM
Yay! ^^
Good story!