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Sephiroth
08-17-2009, 09:55 PM
ok im going to try this again since my other one was lost here i go and post comments too
part 1....

As im standing alone and cold with in this darkness...i dont know what to do.Ive lost all sense to my self....Then suddenly i woke up to a sering pain in my left arm.I reach over to me left shoulders i felt it warm and wet.As i open my eyes i see blood on my hand from where someone struck me with a kunai.I look up and see 3 enemies in front of me.It starts to rain as i stand up they say we are here to kill you and to day is your unlucky day.I finally stand up straight with one hand on my sword and i look at them and say.I see that u all think u have cought me while i was asleep.I whipe away the bllod on my hand.The pian in shoulder was starting to hurt more.I turn my head and look and i see another one behing me with a sword in my back.I was out numbered and injured i didnt knw what to do at this point.I had to take the one behind me out first.I jump up and throw 3 shurikens into this head then i land and run at the others.They suround me and say your not going any where.I run at one and pulls my sword out and cut him in hale then i felt 2 kunai stick into my back.I knew i had to finish this fast i circle around and kill the other one.One more left i stab im in there heart.On his dying breath he said whay are u such a ruthless killer.I look at him with an evil smile and say i have nothing left and no emotions at all.I stick the sword deeper into him and he falls over dead.I pull out the sword and looks at it as i watch the blood and flesh clean off the blade i start to walk down a path into the darkness.I think to myself where can i go i have no where and im badly injuried.I keep walking hopeing to find someone to help or a near by village.

Sephiroth
08-17-2009, 11:01 PM
*bump*

ryanhidden inshadow
08-17-2009, 11:55 PM
this has good detail but i have a question is it in first person for a reason

Sephiroth
08-17-2009, 11:59 PM
n o not really its just easier for me to write that way

ryanhidden inshadow
08-18-2009, 12:04 AM
n o not really its just easier for me to write that way
well its good i like it

Sephiroth
08-18-2009, 12:05 AM
thanks

Raiden
08-18-2009, 03:54 AM
ok im going to try this again since my other one was lost here i go and post comments too
part 1....

As im standing alone and cold with in this darkness...i dont know what to do.Ive lost all sense to my self....Then suddenly i woke up to a sering pain in my left arm.I reach over to me left shoulders i felt it warm and wet.As i open my eyes i see blood on my hand from where someone struck me with a kunai.I look up and see 3 enemies in front of me.It starts to rain as i stand up they say we are here to kill you and to day is your unlucky day.I finally stand up straight with one hand on my sword and i look at them and say.I see that u all think u have cought me while i was asleep.I whipe away the bllod on my hand.The pian in shoulder was starting to hurt more.I turn my head and look and i see another one behing me with a sword in my back.I was out numbered and injured i didnt knw what to do at this point.I had to take the one behind me out first.I jump up and throw 3 shurikens into this head then i land and run at the others.They suround me and say your not going any where.I run at one and pulls my sword out and cut him in hale then i felt 2 kunai stick into my back.I knew i had to finish this fast i circle around and kill the other one.One more left i stab im in there heart.On his dying breath he said whay are u such a ruthless killer.I look at him with an evil smile and say i have nothing left and no emotions at all.I stick the sword deeper into him and he falls over dead.I pull out the sword and looks at it as i watch the blood and flesh clean off the blade i start to walk down a path into the darkness.I think to myself where can i go i have no where and im badly injuried.I keep walking hopeing to find someone to help or a near by village.
relly cool story Jeremy, so what happen last night when I lift lol

Ryaque
08-18-2009, 07:56 AM
This is really good Jeremy. Really good.:mrgreen:

mangagirl
08-18-2009, 10:05 AM
wow its awesome

animelover
08-18-2009, 10:07 AM
Yeah I like it Jeremy

Sephiroth
08-18-2009, 10:32 AM
part 2

...As i was walking the road to find someone or something to help me...I feel the warm wet blood run down my back and shoulder...I could do anything if i got attacked i knew i was good as dead.I kept walking though the rain and the darkness and then i see a shadow in front of me.I look at it and i couldnt make out what is was maybe a savior...I start to walk towards it then i fail down....I wake up in a warm room and a kind voice said your finally up.who is this person i turn and look at her and she saud hi my name is rikuu.Hello rikuu i said. I tried to get up but cant.She said you better now move ive healed your injuries.You was cut pretty deep.So your a medical ninja huh rikku.She said yes and i just look at her.I was suprised anyone found me out in the road.Then she looked at me and said you must of been having a bad dream you wouldnt stop screaming.I look at her and said yes i do have those everynow and then.they are bout my family and what happened to them im the last one left that i know of in my clan.She said I heard about that.Your clan was killed brutally wasnt they.I said yes they where.As i lay back down i drift off to sleep thinking bout this ninja who found me and what really happened to my clan.

animelover
08-18-2009, 10:34 AM
part 2

...As i was walking the road to find someone or something to help me...I feel the warm wet blood run down my back and shoulder...I could do anything if i got attacked i knew i was good as dead.I kept walking though the rain and the darkness and then i see a shadow in front of me.I look at it and i couldnt make out what is was maybe a savior...I start to walk towards it then i fail down....I wake up in a warm room and a kind voice said your finally up.who is this person i turn and look at her and she saud hi my name is rikuu.Hello rikuu i said. I tried to get up but cant.She said you better now move ive healed your injuries.You was cut pretty deep.So your a medical ninja huh rikku.She said yes and i just look at her.I was suprised anyone found me out in the road.Then she looked at me and said you must of been having a bad dream you wouldnt stop screaming.I look at her and said yes i do have those everynow and then.they are bout my family and what happened to them im the last one left that i know of in my clan.She said I heard about that.Your clan was killed brutally wasnt they.I said yes they where.As i lay back down i drift off to sleep thinking bout this ninja who found me and what really happened to my clan.

wow thats good, I like the part of the girl who helped you! Is she anyone you know of that you just didn't put the name? :cool: xD

Sephiroth
08-18-2009, 10:35 AM
idk maybe she is someone i knw and thanks

animelover
08-18-2009, 10:41 AM
idk maybe she is someone i knw and thanks

I shall take that as a yes :lol:

Sephiroth
08-18-2009, 01:39 PM
part 3

-in my nightmere-
...i hear screams in the other room...what was happening i dont knw....i open my eyes and see my room from when i was young...I get out of bed and go to the door as my mother and father pleade for there lives...what am i to do...i open the door and see a man he killed them both.....i look at him he has a mask on....i run back in my room and get my sword...i cant end up like them i wont let it happen......I wake up screaming in a cold sweat....Rikuu just looked at me and asked if i was ok and i said yeah i am....I get out of bed and walk around her house as i get ready to leave she looks at me and says im going too....I asked are you sure.Because where im going its hard to get back...She nodded her head and said it doesnt matter ill just follow you like a lost puppy...I smile then walk out of her house with my sword in hand....I had to trust her she saved me didnt she...She came out and we started down the path..I asked if she could fight and she said i can hold my own...As we was walking 5 kunai comes out of a tree at us.We both dodge then 3 bandits appears..As they demand for money she said i got this.I look at her in surprise when the guy stop talking she took out her blade and told them to come on.Two of them came at her and she doged them like they were air.Who was this girl and how strong is she?...She quickly killed the 2 men as the other tried to run...she let him go i look at her..and asked Why did u let him survive.She said because im not a blood thristy killer sir.We continued on the path to a village near by.As we walked i justed watched her she seemed so fimalliar to me and strong too..As i watch her she looks back and smiles so where we going..I said where ever this path leads us..

Sephiroth
08-18-2009, 08:59 PM
*bump

Malak
08-18-2009, 09:02 PM
not bad......:cool:

Sephiroth
08-18-2009, 10:20 PM
thank you

Sephiroth
08-19-2009, 10:55 AM
New part coming up today

Sephiroth
08-19-2009, 03:35 PM
come on people read please

Sephiroth
08-22-2009, 12:27 AM
part 4

..As me and riku ws walking down the path...i kept haveing flash back to what has hppened to me and my family and why i kill the way i do...As i wasnt paying attention riku kept talking about some hot spring in this next village..While on the path we noticed some blood and a trail .It looked like a trail from where a body was drug..Hmm what was going on here.We deiced to follow the trail to an area tht was heavly protected.As i sit there in the tree watching trying to device plan Riku jumped down in the middle of them.She said hey boys what cha doing.I stood there wtching as she fought the group of enemy ninja they wasnt very good i could tell.She fought and defeated them all.I noticed a larger man appear off in the distance walking towards riku.I seen her turn around and activte her kg.I knew this was going to be a fight for her.I watched as they fought the enemy seemed not to be even trying as i watched he quickly deafeated her in 5 hits.I didnt know what to do to fight or to regroup with my self.I activate my kg and jumped down before any more damage could be done.He looked at me and had an evil grin.I pulled out my sythe and strte at him with my eyes.As i get ready for him i knew this wsnt going to be easy.

Cade
08-22-2009, 12:33 AM
Also try to be a little bit more specifc in the battles,and do a little bit better in spelling too.

Sephiroth
09-02-2009, 01:13 PM
part 5.....this will be the end of this story if no one reads or post
This man i was about to take on.I didnt know how to break him down or what he had in store for me.I just looked at him trying to figure out how to beat this colassal of a man.He started to charged at me.I jumped to dodge but he grabed my laeg.He started to throw me into the wall of the cliff.I took my sythe and cut him open.He instantly dropped me.I land on my feet he said he was going to kill me for that.I knew the man didnt know who i was.I had a smirk on my face, i knew i had to take out his base to defeat him.He charged again but this time i didnt mve.Something stoped me but what.The large man just ran rite though me.He threw me into some trees.When i hit i felt my ribs crack.I started to stand up i knew this wouldnt last much longer.So i grabed my sythe and charged at him.He had the look of surprised on his face.I used my speed to get close to his legs.I swung my sythe and cut both of his legs he fell down.I watched as the man tried to get up,but he couldnt.He started to curse at me.I look over and seen rikuu finally getting up after getting beat by this man..I took my sythe and made the final blow to him i cut his head off.As the courpse feel over i started to rember all of my family getting killed the vary same way.I went and checked on rikuu she said she was ok.We staarted to head back to the village.I thought to my self what do i need to do to find my way and out of the darkness as we walked home.

animelover
09-02-2009, 01:15 PM
Go for it.

animelover
09-02-2009, 01:17 PM
part 5.....this will be the end of this story if no one reads or post
This man i was about to take on.I didnt know how to break him down or what he had in store for me.I just looked at him trying to figure out how to beat this colassal of a man.He started to charged at me.I jumped to dodge but he grabed my laeg.He started to throw me into the wall of the cliff.I took my sythe and cut him open.He instantly dropped me.I land on my feet he said he was going to kill me for that.I knew the man didnt know who i was.I had a smirk on my face, i knew i had to take out his base to defeat him.He charged again but this time i didnt mve.Something stoped me but what.The large man just ran rite though me.He threw me into some trees.When i hit i felt my ribs crack.I started to stand up i knew this wouldnt last much longer.So i grabed my sythe and charged at him.He had the look of surprised on his face.I used my speed to get close to his legs.I swung my sythe and cut both of his legs he fell down.I watched as the man tried to get up,but he couldnt.He started to curse at me.I look over and seen rikuu finally getting up after getting beat by this man..I took my sythe and made the final blow to him i cut his head off.As the courpse feel over i started to rember all of my family getting killed the vary same way.I went and checked on rikuu she said she was ok.We staarted to head back to the village.I thought to my self what do i need to do to find my way and out of the darkness as we walked home.

I think thats good, how about you space some parts so its easier to read like:

part 5.....this will be the end of this story if no one reads or post
This man i was about to take on.I didnt know how to break him down or what he had in store for me.

I just looked at him trying to figure out how to beat this colassal of a man.He started to charged at me.I jumped to dodge but he grabed my laeg.He started to throw me into the wall of the cliff.I took my sythe and cut him open.He instantly dropped me.I land on my feet he said he was going to kill me for that.I knew the man didnt know who i was.I had a smirk on my face, i knew i had to take out his base to defeat him.He charged again but this time i didnt mve.Something stoped me but what.The large man just ran rite though me.He threw me into some trees.

When i hit i felt my ribs crack.I started to stand up i knew this wouldnt last much longer.So i grabed my sythe and charged at him.He had the look of surprised on his face.I used my speed to get close to his legs.I swung my sythe and cut both of his legs he fell down.I watched as the man tried to get up,but he couldnt.He started to curse at me.I look over and seen rikuu finally getting up after getting beat by this man..I took my sythe and made the final blow to him i cut his head off.

As the courpse feel over i started to rember all of my family getting killed the vary same way.I went and checked on rikuu she said she was ok.We staarted to head back to the village.I thought to my self what do i need to do to find my way and out of the darkness as we walked home.

But yeah don't quit Jeremy! You asked me for help and here I am! lol Good fight too.

Raiden
09-02-2009, 01:17 PM
part 5.....this will be the end of this story if no one reads or post
This man i was about to take on.I didnt know how to break him down or what he had in store for me.I just looked at him trying to figure out how to beat this colassal of a man.He started to charged at me.I jumped to dodge but he grabed my laeg.He started to throw me into the wall of the cliff.I took my sythe and cut him open.He instantly dropped me.I land on my feet he said he was going to kill me for that.I knew the man didnt know who i was.I had a smirk on my face, i knew i had to take out his base to defeat him.He charged again but this time i didnt mve.Something stoped me but what.The large man just ran rite though me.He threw me into some trees.When i hit i felt my ribs crack.I started to stand up i knew this wouldnt last much longer.So i grabed my sythe and charged at him.He had the look of surprised on his face.I used my speed to get close to his legs.I swung my sythe and cut both of his legs he fell down.I watched as the man tried to get up,but he couldnt.He started to curse at me.I look over and seen rikuu finally getting up after getting beat by this man..I took my sythe and made the final blow to him i cut his head off.As the courpse feel over i started to rember all of my family getting killed the vary same way.I went and checked on rikuu she said she was ok.We staarted to head back to the village.I thought to my self what do i need to do to find my way and out of the darkness as we walked home.
good so far Jeremy, keep up the good work

Sephiroth
09-02-2009, 01:41 PM
bumb lol

Konoichi
09-02-2009, 01:47 PM
is this what u were talking bout jeremy? i'm sorry but i got enough reading to do right now...i'll read it later after animelover's.

Sephiroth
09-02-2009, 01:48 PM
yeah it is dd and ok take ur time

animelover
09-02-2009, 02:05 PM
is this what u were talking bout jeremy? i'm sorry but i got enough reading to do right now...i'll read it later after animelover's.

woot! And Jeremy keep it going.

Sephiroth
09-02-2009, 02:07 PM
idk anime she hasnt even read it and if my only fans are u and raiden then it must really be bad