View Full Version : The Story of Yamagakure (Hidden Mountain Village)
08-13-2009, 12:33 AM
This is the beginning of a story I plan on making...
I would just like some comments or constructive criticism on how I am doing thus far...
Here is the Prologue to my story.
08-13-2009, 12:35 AM
I guess there was a problem copying the story..
Here is the Prologue (attempt #2)
“ Get the rest of the villagers out of here Kenshin!” exclaimed the Yamakage.
The Akatsuki was destroying the Hidden Mountain Village! There were four Akatsuki members. One who was from the Hidden Rock Village, another from the Hidden Grass, the third from the Hidden Cloud, and the last from the Hidden Waterfall. The Yamakage had to try and defend the village from the four threats that were destroying this prosporous village.
“ But you need to get out of here yourself. What are we going to do without you?” questioned Kenshin.
“I am afraid that I am not going to make this one. I need you to help rebuild this village once I am gone and the threat has been annihilated. Since I will no longer be the Yamakage, I am going to pass down the title to you as the second Yamakage, since you have the heart and strength to protect the new village,” said the Yamakage “now GO!”
Kenshin left the Yamakage without looking back. As he was leaving and watching the rest of the villagers escape, he heard a high-pitched scream. It was a fellow kunoichi, stuck under a wood pillar. He followed the scream and found the victim. Her name was Hanako Takahashi.
“Help me! I am stuck!” yelled Hanako.
“Don’t worry, I will save you,” remarked Kenshin.
The moment their eyes met they felt a warm glow inside their hearts. Kenshin carried Hanako safely from the village. As they looked back onto the village, they saw a large explosion. Kenshin saw himself tearing, for he knew that the Yamakage had passed but the Akatsuki had also been rid of. It was up to Kenshin Mizoguchi to rebuild the Village Hidden in the Mountains.
08-13-2009, 01:15 AM
awesome story man...
08-13-2009, 12:39 PM
Thank you. That is just the Prologue to the story. I hope to work on it a bit more.
08-13-2009, 12:42 PM
[QUOTE=Kenshin Mizoguchi;871350]I guess there was a problem copying the story..
Here is the Prologue (attempt #2)
08-13-2009, 10:28 PM
Here is the first chapter of my fanfic.
It has been twelve years since the incident with the Akatsuki. Kenshin has been the Yamakage the entire time, with the new village that was built in a different set of mountains. Kenshin had ordered that the old village be made into a monument honoring the first Yamakage and all the ninja who died protecting the village. Kenshin and Hanako were married, and had a daughter, Youko Mizoguchi. Kenshin now also had his own team, Team 4, in which his own daughter was a part of.
08-13-2009, 10:29 PM
“Kenshin-sensei, over here!” cried Akihito Nakagawa, a member of Team 4. His teammates, Youko Mizoguchi and Tadashi Okiro, were standing next to him.
“Relax, relax. I’m on my way,” replied Kenshin as he walked over to his team “now let’s see what faces I will get to be knowing.”
Kenshin looked at all three students. He saw his daughter in the group of three; this was no surprise to him. He then looked over to Akihito and Tadashi. To Kenshin, Akihito seemed like the kind of person who was outgoing and loved a good adventure, however, Tadashi seemed the total opposite. Tadashi was the kind of person who didn’t mind being alone and never liked to do much of anything. Kenshin saw great potential in all of these students of his.
“I have a challenge for you all,” said Kenshin “it will help me get to know each of your capabilities of fighting as a shinobi and all the areas that you could use a little more help in. Meet me one hour from now, at the training grounds, with all of your gear ready.”
“Yes Sensei!” exclaimed Team 4.
Each member of the team headed towards his or her own homes, preparing for the task ahead. Youko had a short-sleeved black shirt, with her clan symbol on the back of it, and a vest. She also had black tight pants with a red skirt that went over the top of it. Youko then put her weapons and other necessities into her bag that hung behind her left hip. Akihito had a gray coat, with a white shirt underneath and black cargo pants, and his ninja bag attached to the middle of his right leg. Tadashi had a black long sleeved shirt and a red scarf. He also had black cargo pants with a ninja bag that hung behind his right hip. Back at the kage building, Kenshin was finishing up the last of his paperwork, and when he was done he left to go meet up with his team.
“This will be interesting to see what their current capabilities are and what they are like as a team. I am hoping that they are somewhat decent Academy Graduates. Well I guess there is only one way to find out.” said Kenshin as he arrived at the training grounds, and seeing the faces of the young shinobi.
The next chapter will be "Practice Makes Perfect"
08-14-2009, 08:31 AM
i like it...i like it a lot...and you added youko!!
08-14-2009, 11:48 AM
great begining but try putting a little more action,but for a begining,its great
08-15-2009, 12:08 PM
to darkamaru: Of course. I had to.
to kakashi: I plan to add action into the next chapter. The first chapter was to help set up the plot, and thank you!
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